I decide

I am off for the next 9 days.
And I just realized a very important thing...I DECIDE.
So I decide to be happy.
I love you.

The storm is around the corner....

Well, I feel the great big wall is around the corner...

to fill you in, my husband and I have a timeshare and this is our year to go on vacation...Destination: Cabo.
I find out today that the resort has 2 options.

Option 1: you leave the resort to eat all meals
Option 2: you can eat and snack and drink at all the many places at the resort but pay an all inclusive fee of $800.00

Option 2 seems like my only option...but crap crap crap...
Lets put the money worry to the side for now...all I see is a week of gluttony.

I am so scared right now, I could just cry.

The best my husband knows to say to me is "well, you don't have to over eat". Ha, it's like telling a cheapskate alcoholic that he can have all the alcohol in the liquor store for free, but you only have to drink one or two. Why is it, it would seem cruel to say it to an alcoholic but to a fat person you are implying they are simply weak and don't have to be that way?

Truth be told, between the financial impact and the unlimited food access...all I see in my future is misery. I am sorry I am this person.

Not too high, not too low

I reflect on my day and am pleasantly calm. I heard my van could use about $900 in repair...but it still runs today. Neither high nor low...simply information. This calmness I used to think was ignorance, but the more I look at it and the more I feel it...I truly believe it is simply information. That information doesn't need to have a traumatic impact on my relationships, it need not interfere with my responsibilities, and it really doesn't need to be given power over me. It is simply information.
And if someone looks at me and shakes their head and chuckles a sarcastic chuckle and thinks...oh how naive. Well that person was me at one time and when I look at that person than and this person now...I will tell you, the person today knows what happiness feels like.

Dear Lord-may I take comfort in remembering this feeling the next time I feel like I have no one or nothing.

exhausted

I am tired of fighting the evil and feeling like the evil prevails. I am tired of working at it...at everything at anything. I am at my limit and yet, still need to keep being in the middle of the crap that makes me feel overwhelmed. The only thing right now that sounds like it could make it better...is food.
I keep reaching out to the support group, but it's not enough. I want to run away from my life today. I don't want THIS to be my life today.

Another day Another Absitnent

I feel thankful today. Thankful to not only know what I know, but that I have experienced it as well. It's like going online or watching a movie of a beautiful place, but then actually visiting it in person. That's what I am thankful for...I have visited that beautiful place a few times in the last few weeks. Not often, but enough...Sometimes I don't stay long, but enough...Sometimes I forget how to get there, but I will find it again.
Thank you for letting me visit!

Not so Bad...

Ate at a very popular pizza type place tonight (for free-thank you mom-in-law) This non hut like environment could have been worse...
Looking at it...I could have easily stopped at one piece of pizza and the 2 garlic bread....but no, I ate another piece of pizza and then picked on yet another and than 1/2 bread stick. Less than what I would have had even 4 weeks ago and glad to know there is a voice that knew one piece was enough.
At any rate...it's the after math that really can shock my system into relapse... I will share with you the one tribute to my success tonight...cleaning. I did those projects that you hope to do on a Saturday but never do...and before I knew it- I didn't even need to fight the evil spirits.

God-thank you for the blessings of this day. I experienced calmness and humility at work, shared a wonderful moment with my mom-in-law, and enjoyed a few times of pure innocence with my children.

Progress, not perfection.

Progress, not perfection.
That is one I have not heard before...love it!

I had a milestone today...a free lunch was up for grabs and I chose to eat what I committed to eating. That is a big step for this chick...because I also love when other people buy me food!

I am preparing for a trip to Cabo...and the closer it gets the more I focus on my body weight. Which is ironic because I am physically unable to lose 100 pounds in 10 days, but the closer to the trip, the more I damn this body I created. And the more I damn this body, the more guilty I feel because I made this body. And it is those thoughts that lead me to a dark place. A place where food seems to be the only other guest.

Compulsive overeating, the most ironic disease...the more I eat, the emptier I get.