07/06/2010
Hello.
My first blog experience ever.
The point of my blog...well, simply to document what I am feeling, thinking and doing. You see, I am FAT, obese, large, special sized, unique, large boned, plus size, woman sized, extra extra sized, large sized...pick one. But really the point is...I over eat. I binge eat. I eat for many many many reasons (happy, sad, party, friends in town, friend left town, husband is sweet, husbands an ass, the kids need a treat, I deserve a treat....)
But today, I want to tell you what I eat.
I want to tell whoever and all the truth about how much I eat.
Because here is the deal. I am miserable and unhappy. And I know the only way to be happy is to Be Loving, Feel Loved and Be Responsible.
So today, I am learning to be responsible.
By telling the ugly fat truth about myself, you may or may not love me. And that is ok. Because it is not your job to love me. But it is my job to tell the ugly truth about me and when someone does love me through seeing me at my ugliest... I will truely feel loved. A true love. Not the imitation love the brownies, candy bars, ice cream...provide, but true unconditional love.
I didn't wake up this morning thinking i would be the owner of a blog telling people how disgusting I feel as a person.
ReplyDeleteThe shame and heartache.
I have shed many tears and battled many years and I alwaya believed this lie...
If I was skinny I would be happy...BU::
All that would happen is I would be unhappy and skinny.
The past few hears I closet eat. I baked a pan of brownies one night, ate a majority of the pan and then got scared someone would think i was a pig so i ate the rest and washed the pan so no one would even know brownies ever existed.
Now it's just become habit. If work is hard, I reach for a large handful of whatever. As long as it is large. And I shove it into my mouth. Oh how the pain just melts away like the chocolate in my mouth.
But to have one candy bar at my desk wasn't enough. I needed to buy a bag of mnm's. And then that wasn't enough I had to go to SAMS club and buy the big bag. And the more crappy i felt the more I ate. Which made me feel more crappy, which means I ate more. Until psychically I was going to pass-out from exhaustion or puke. That would pass after a few hours...and then I could start eating again.
Well today I stopped that pattern and here is what happebed:
ReplyDeleteI wanted to cry and cry and cry.
Crawl deep into a dark whole.
The obvious-eat.
Then I started to shake.
My teeth chattered.
Then I got very sick to my stomach.
I am very tired now. Exhausted.