my friend, my something to do when I am Bored, my hug when I am sad, my joy when I am 'happy'... food is my everything and now I sit here, alone. I miss it, I really do miss it. Of course I am not focusing on all the negative consequences of binging, just the things I miss. I need to remind myself how very tired I was and guilty and ashamed and then came the empty promise that I would make the change right after this meal.
Yeah, still, missing the food.
The kids want a mom right now to entertain them...and I don't want to...and the more they want it, the more I just want to go get blasted with food. Just eat myself into a miserable full belly place.
So now I don't choose food and i haven't chosen entertaining my kids...so I just feel alone. Very very alone.
Sometimes this selfishness I feel disgusts me. Why can't I enjoy a nice day with my boys? Why can't that just be enough for me? I am feeling this sadness and food helped me get through it and now I have sadness without numbness.
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