I decide

I am off for the next 9 days.
And I just realized a very important thing...I DECIDE.
So I decide to be happy.
I love you.

The storm is around the corner....

Well, I feel the great big wall is around the corner...

to fill you in, my husband and I have a timeshare and this is our year to go on vacation...Destination: Cabo.
I find out today that the resort has 2 options.

Option 1: you leave the resort to eat all meals
Option 2: you can eat and snack and drink at all the many places at the resort but pay an all inclusive fee of $800.00

Option 2 seems like my only option...but crap crap crap...
Lets put the money worry to the side for now...all I see is a week of gluttony.

I am so scared right now, I could just cry.

The best my husband knows to say to me is "well, you don't have to over eat". Ha, it's like telling a cheapskate alcoholic that he can have all the alcohol in the liquor store for free, but you only have to drink one or two. Why is it, it would seem cruel to say it to an alcoholic but to a fat person you are implying they are simply weak and don't have to be that way?

Truth be told, between the financial impact and the unlimited food access...all I see in my future is misery. I am sorry I am this person.

Not too high, not too low

I reflect on my day and am pleasantly calm. I heard my van could use about $900 in repair...but it still runs today. Neither high nor low...simply information. This calmness I used to think was ignorance, but the more I look at it and the more I feel it...I truly believe it is simply information. That information doesn't need to have a traumatic impact on my relationships, it need not interfere with my responsibilities, and it really doesn't need to be given power over me. It is simply information.
And if someone looks at me and shakes their head and chuckles a sarcastic chuckle and thinks...oh how naive. Well that person was me at one time and when I look at that person than and this person now...I will tell you, the person today knows what happiness feels like.

Dear Lord-may I take comfort in remembering this feeling the next time I feel like I have no one or nothing.

exhausted

I am tired of fighting the evil and feeling like the evil prevails. I am tired of working at it...at everything at anything. I am at my limit and yet, still need to keep being in the middle of the crap that makes me feel overwhelmed. The only thing right now that sounds like it could make it better...is food.
I keep reaching out to the support group, but it's not enough. I want to run away from my life today. I don't want THIS to be my life today.

Another day Another Absitnent

I feel thankful today. Thankful to not only know what I know, but that I have experienced it as well. It's like going online or watching a movie of a beautiful place, but then actually visiting it in person. That's what I am thankful for...I have visited that beautiful place a few times in the last few weeks. Not often, but enough...Sometimes I don't stay long, but enough...Sometimes I forget how to get there, but I will find it again.
Thank you for letting me visit!

Not so Bad...

Ate at a very popular pizza type place tonight (for free-thank you mom-in-law) This non hut like environment could have been worse...
Looking at it...I could have easily stopped at one piece of pizza and the 2 garlic bread....but no, I ate another piece of pizza and then picked on yet another and than 1/2 bread stick. Less than what I would have had even 4 weeks ago and glad to know there is a voice that knew one piece was enough.
At any rate...it's the after math that really can shock my system into relapse... I will share with you the one tribute to my success tonight...cleaning. I did those projects that you hope to do on a Saturday but never do...and before I knew it- I didn't even need to fight the evil spirits.

God-thank you for the blessings of this day. I experienced calmness and humility at work, shared a wonderful moment with my mom-in-law, and enjoyed a few times of pure innocence with my children.

Progress, not perfection.

Progress, not perfection.
That is one I have not heard before...love it!

I had a milestone today...a free lunch was up for grabs and I chose to eat what I committed to eating. That is a big step for this chick...because I also love when other people buy me food!

I am preparing for a trip to Cabo...and the closer it gets the more I focus on my body weight. Which is ironic because I am physically unable to lose 100 pounds in 10 days, but the closer to the trip, the more I damn this body I created. And the more I damn this body, the more guilty I feel because I made this body. And it is those thoughts that lead me to a dark place. A place where food seems to be the only other guest.

Compulsive overeating, the most ironic disease...the more I eat, the emptier I get.

Carnival Game

Have you seen that game where you have a large rubber mallet and little monsters keep popping out of holes and you hit one and another pops up and you hit that one and another...well, you get the idea. That is what I feel like today...like I am at the flip'n carnival and trying to fight for my sanity, but the more I work at hitting the monsters down, another pops up...
I hit the smoking monster back in January, only to have the lie monster pop up, so I reach out and tell the truths about myself, only to have the food monster come up, so I hit the food monster, to have the money monster pop up...and so on and so forth. I am tired of the monsters. I don't want to play this game anymore. But I can't help but think this is my life. I pray to my higher power that this is only the life I know, but this is NOT life.

14 days abstinent

Things I learned today-

I replaced my food addiction with the addiction of anger, primarily directed to someone that is innocent and smaller than me- my son. Let me not spend a lot of time saying I am ashamed and I feel like I broke my child... ...let me be productive, I know now what I have done, I know why I had done it and I know now I can be better.

I have spent the large portion of this journey giving my weight up to my higher power...and that has been so freeing. EXCEPT NOW, Now I am approaching a special get away trip to a paradise like location and the closer it gets, the more I think about clothes and when I think about clothes, I think about weight and when I think about weight I really become an insane human. (...not a place I want to be) ...so I say a prayer-please take this away from me...I don't want my happiness to lie in the hands of a cute tank top!

Food is ...

my friend, my something to do when I am Bored, my hug when I am sad, my joy when I am 'happy'... food is my everything and now I sit here, alone. I miss it, I really do miss it. Of course I am not focusing on all the negative consequences of binging, just the things I miss. I need to remind myself how very tired I was and guilty and ashamed and then came the empty promise that I would make the change right after this meal.
Yeah, still, missing the food.
The kids want a mom right now to entertain them...and I don't want to...and the more they want it, the more I just want to go get blasted with food. Just eat myself into a miserable full belly place.
So now I don't choose food and i haven't chosen entertaining my kids...so I just feel alone. Very very alone.
Sometimes this selfishness I feel disgusts me. Why can't I enjoy a nice day with my boys? Why can't that just be enough for me? I am feeling this sadness and food helped me get through it and now I have sadness without numbness.

2 Milestones

Sometimes you need to reflect because if you don't take that time to reflect, something really big may pass by you and you don't even know it! For example, I was sharing my day with another person and I was very proud of a milestone....
I threw a kid's birthday party with a healthy focus for me... meaning, none of my trigger foods were at our table. Frosting is my weakness and the evil spirits tried hard to bring the frosted cake through my doors...but they did not prevail. I provided an ice cream cake and a platter of fruit. I passed on the cake and had 2nds on the fruit. But here is the secret..I had no problem saying no to the cake. I didn't feel like I was on a diet, I just felt it would not contribute to my happiness. And again, I provided a great service to my family by not offering crap to eat.
So what is the other milestone?
As I was sharing I realized my lunch was a milestone. My bosses wife cooked lasagna and garlic bread....very good food to my taste buds!! I had a portion and was done. I did not keep eating and I did not have a portion the size of my plate!
So congrats Ann on your milestones!!

Day by day

Day by day...hour by hour....minute by minute; heck, sometimes it's second by second.
A wise person talked me through the concept of evil spirits. The best I can understand, evil spirits can be any thought, action, idea, motivation, spark of interest, or moment which leads you to a place farther away from your happiness. So when I say the evil spirits work quickly, swiftly and brilliantly...I ain't kidd'n!
I can tell myself, 'oh it's only one piece' 'you deserve it' 'you have been so good' 'who cares, no one will know' 'what's it matter anyway'...well for now, the only way i get through it is day by day. I do deserve it...I deserve to nourish my body and I have been so good to my body and it's only one piece that will not provide near what I think it would!
Still, this clarity and abstinence of EIGHT days is a bit sad and lonely. My body is still fat and obese so I really haven't gotten to enjoy the weight loss aspect and since I am choosing to face feelings without numbing it with food first, well, it sucks.
What i look forward to: when i feel joy for the first time without being numb and my body catching up to the healthy eating.
Dear higher power: I feel very alone. Please send an angel to keep me company.

owly

Well…I am not in a good mood.  I hit some sort of a angry place last night around 9:30pm.  All I wanted to do was watch TV but the batteries were dead in a bar that I now have to use to watch a program…blah  blah blah, details details details…  The point is, I got mad, angry, frustrated…probably at the fact that I have s disease.  A disease that will never go away.  No matter how much I hate it, will it or want it to leave me alone, it won’t.  I have not control over this disease.  I am powerless when food is involved.  And now I am mad.  I want to scream at everyone who looks at me.  I hate them because they are not suffering like me.  I hate them because they are not thinking about how they just lost a best friend. 

Then I step back and I know that is not true.  It’s not them I am mad at, it’s not their struggles I am mad at…I am mad at this disease. 

So yes, today, I am owly and not so happy.  In fact, I am not in a happy mood.  I am still angry.  That is me, that is me right now.

WHAT A WEEKEND

Wow- I cannot remember the last time I felt so much in one weekend.  The food numbed so much of my feelings, I really never knew how much I was missing.  I had a sober weekend and I am happier that I did. 

Saturday-could have been the most difficult.  I headed out of town to the lake for a day trip.  That meant lunch and supper out of a cooler.  I was blessed in the fact that I was responsible for the food, not the people who went with, but me.  I did find myself not really knowing what to bring to eat.  I mean, my instincts were: licorice (for the car ride), chips of many kind, cookies-easy to grab.  Instead, I looked at those foods and said “nope, none of these will nourish my body.  And if my body isn’t nourished then I will not enjoy the day as much.  I would have a tougher time swimming with my boy and getting in and out of the boat and up and down the bank”. 

So here is what I brought:

Hot dog (light, not fat free-taste is important!), light hot dog buns, strawberries, raspberries, cantaloupe, veggie tray, pickles.  And for supper, 98% ground hamburger and buns.  Guess what, we had enough food.  It was the right amount and the right kind.  What a great service for those around me!

 

Homeward bound:

It hits me when we are driving home.  I am missing something.  Like the crap food feeling and I am really missing it.  We could stop at a convenience store in a small town on the way back.  No, no…what is my body telling me?  Why am I so sad?

So instead of battling this by myself and getting more upset.  I looked at my brother and told him.  I told him how I was sad and struggling and anxious.  And then, the feeling left.  I was seen by my brother in a loving manner.  And whatever my body was missing, it was filled with love.

 

Didn’t think I could do it:

Sunday night.  I have officially been ‘good’ all weekend.  Now we can party.  Again, I made phone calls and reached out to people (Strangers) who loved me and saw me for my inadequacies.  I said no to going to an all-u-can-eat buffet.  My family loved me enough to go without me and my mom came to my house to have grilled chicken, baked potato, and steamed veggies…and a fruit parfait for dessert. 

I didn’t think I could ever pass up the scenario like lastnight.  I had so many reasons to be able to go … so many approvals to go and eat my brains out…

Thank you to those you have supported me in my time of need and to my higher power for giving me the courage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FRIGHTENED

My mom is in town today.  I thought I dodged the truth telling bullet yesterday with her, but here it is…TODAY.  Please let me say, it is not my mom, this is not about my mom, nor is what I am feeling my mom’s problem.  Folks, this is my responsibility.  And yet, I feel like a scared little baby.

So I ask myself, why?  Why is it so difficult for me to tell my mom.  I mean really, I like my mom, we talk about a lot of stuff…not to mention, in the last 4 days, I have told complete strangers and co-workers and peers many truths about myself, so why is it difficult to tell my own mom??

I guess many self help books and good therapists would be able to tell me why, but I will tell you what my heart feels.

My mom is the one person I can go to a restaurant with, just her and me and we can pig out and get ‘blitzed’ on food.  We then can talk about why we don’t do better and how know one understands.  In essence, she is my binge partner and I don’t want to disappoint her now.  Oh, I can almost hear you from my computer ‘WHAT, that’s EXACTLY what you need to do, is tell her…you are short of OBLIGATED to tell her so she can be ‘fixed’ too’.  Well, if being fixed was that easy then all the people in my life who have looked at me and saw how sad I was would have been able to fix me by now.

Bottom line…I am losing an eating partner and really am not focusing on anything else.

I will make as many calls I can between now and lunch.  I know I am powerless over food.  I know I need help.  I will pray for help to be able to hand this over to a higher power.

I lied

It is so hard to not eat, I would rather just go to sleep. Just to not feel. I never knew how it feels to feel. And really, I am not liking it.
But I am powerless over food--my life has become unmanageable.

My mom will be in town tomorrow. She wants to do lunch. I am scared to tell her I can't do I lunch so I lie. I tell her lunch would be fine but I try to discourage it by telling her it would have to be a quick lunch.

I have been abstinent since Tuesday...and the weekend is on it's way. I have never thought I would be so scared for a weekend. That is a lot of freedom and I do not do well with freedom.

I have talked to so many people…people I have never met and some I have loved for years, some that are peers, some that are superior…so many people know now I have a disease.  Now what if I don’t succeed?  I have to have faith that by telling the truth about me and my compulsive overeating to all those people will help me be stronger when I am at my weakest.  But I don’t believe that.  I panic and think, now they will watch what I eat and when I eat.  Now I will have to hide it even more and be even more ashamed. 

It has been suggested to give this up to a higher power.  I do believe there is a higher power of some sort, but it’s like I cannot give this over to the higher power.  I feel like I am trying to start a lawn mower that doesn’t have gas.  It starts to fire up, then nothing.  I close my eyes and pray, pray to help me take this off of me and onto you, and nothing.

A co-worker was off to get DQ blizzards. My heart jumped for joy and then it hit me-sadness and then fear.

My thoughts were all over the place. Mainly, telling myself one blizzard would be ok…I can handle one flip’n blizzard. But it really isn’t…you know how I know? Because I just spent the last 7 minutes tormenting over the decision to get one or not. I just gave 7 minutes of my life to whether or not a blizzard was in the best interest of my happiness and got very scared when I knew the answer was no, but I still wanted it.

What did I do, you ask? I IM’d my brother and told him the truth of how crippled I felt. I then walked into my co-worker’s office and continued to tell truths about myself. I cried, she cried…and by the end of that 12 minute conversation….that blizzard did not hold near the power it held when I first heard the word BLIZZARD.

I did it…I did it!

I did not go to lunch with brother and I did not order pizza.  I sent an email to a loving person admitting I am addicted to food and am scared I will die from my addiction.

Then something happened.  I felt ok to not order pizza and not be around the toxic food.  It is worthy to note I did have some turkey and bread at the office—it was just old and I was telling myself it would not be good anymore.  But it was good enough.

I am still volatile… meaning, I got back to my desk to get on a conference call and instantly wanted some food to put in my mouth.  I am not hungry, I do not feel like food needs to be in my body but what food represents—that is what I feel I need.

So I have the option to do lunch with my brother or stay at work and get fed free pizza.

 

Lunch with my brother offers a healthier choice.  1-limited portion size 2- supporting and good conversation

Lunch at work: 1-free 2-will be exposed to many pieces of pizza

 

My body and heart say, pick lunch with brother.  Everything else says pick lunch at work…you can do it.  You can handle a portion control of pizza.  Even if you want more you can because it IS lunch time.

 

Why do I pick the eat at work option.  The agony it will cause.  Even now typing it, I have butterflies in my stomach.  I feel broken.  Like when God made me he forgot an important part.  I feel like a sick sick person.   I want to pick work, I want o pick FREE food, I want to pick good pizza.  And I don’t want sadness.  I guess I just have to say it…I am picking the wrong one here.  I pick work.

07/07/2010

I woke up today and my husband threatened my 3 year old that if he got out of bed he wouldn’t get him anything else for the day.  I wanted to just get through my morning. 

After my shower I went to comb my hair and my hair brush had a large amount of toothpaste intertwined.

 

I was upset.  Because my 3 year old said his 8 year old brother did it…and he probably did.  My 8 year old was very empty and not very loving lastnight and he probably did put toothpaste in my hairbrush.  At that moment, I got scared.  Thoughts rush in my mind…what kind of childe am I raising that would be so angry he would ruin other’s stuff.  What happens later in life.  People will find out what kind of bad mom I really am.  And then it hits me.  FOOD.  Horray I haven’t had breakfast yet.  I still have a valid excuse to really eat…right everyone needs breakfast.  All the fat weight books say you should eat breakfast.  Now I can eat.  But then wait…I realize I want the food not to fix the kick in the gut feelings I have had felt the first 45 minutes of my day…but to numb that feeling so I can prepare myself for the next 20 kick in the gut feelings.  Now the question becomes…how do I face the music-the feelings in a sober way?  Without the food?

07/06/2010
Hello.
My first blog experience ever.
The point of my blog...well, simply to document what I am feeling, thinking and doing. You see, I am FAT, obese, large, special sized, unique, large boned, plus size, woman sized, extra extra sized, large sized...pick one. But really the point is...I over eat. I binge eat. I eat for many many many reasons (happy, sad, party, friends in town, friend left town, husband is sweet, husbands an ass, the kids need a treat, I deserve a treat....)

But today, I want to tell you what I eat.

I want to tell whoever and all the truth about how much I eat.

Because here is the deal. I am miserable and unhappy. And I know the only way to be happy is to Be Loving, Feel Loved and Be Responsible.

So today, I am learning to be responsible.

By telling the ugly fat truth about myself, you may or may not love me. And that is ok. Because it is not your job to love me. But it is my job to tell the ugly truth about me and when someone does love me through seeing me at my ugliest... I will truely feel loved. A true love. Not the imitation love the brownies, candy bars, ice cream...provide, but true unconditional love.